5 Week Mark

Beta #3: 760

Since my HCG levels have more than doubled between each beta, our doctor says that we’re done with blood testing. On April 1, we go in for an ultrasound to see what’s shaking in there. Yup, I had my first beta on Friday the 13th and will have my first ultrasound on April Fool’s Day.

Of course, I am obsessing over these beta numbers. I was close to 80 on March 13, at 320 on March 16, and at 760 on March 18. They want to see a 66% increase every two days and that’s obviously happened. But as my math-obsessed brain noted, there was a 300% rise over three days and then a 140% rise over two days. So now I’m in Anxious Land because it looks like the rate slowed down. Basically, I wanted a big jump up. (Nurse didn’t comment on it.)

I’ve also continued to do home tests because I can’t calm down. All positive. The test line hasn’t gotten much darker since March 14 — but we know that my HCG has gone up in that time, so I’m guessing that the test maxed out. Funnily, the control line has started to get lighter. Maybe one shouldn’t take “Early Response” tests past the 5 week mark?

Symptoms have been all over the place. Yesterday, I felt more or less normal and it was making me jumpy. But today, I was one hormonal lady. I really wanted cashews this morning, bought a container at CVS, and ate a couple handfuls. Less than an hour later, I was totally grossed out by the mere prospect of nuts and had this low-level nausea. I also was so tired by mid-afternoon that I fell asleep sitting up in my office’s breakroom equivalent. Plus I’m delightfully bloated and all my pants look rather unfortunate.

My only really consistent issue (even the cramps vary in concentration) is insomnia. I haven’t slept through the night in about two weeks. Last night, I slept for 5 hours in a row and felt victorious. A few days ago, I only slept for 4.5 hours total and in 1.5-hour increments. I was so exhausted that I burst into tears in my boss’ office. She was hugely nice about it, but I felt like a crazy person.

Honestly, I don’t mind the symptoms much because they are my little clues about what’s going on. But the anxiety is almost overwhelming. It’s so hard to believe that, after a year of doctor’s appointments and drugs and frustration, we’ve finally landed a happy result. I can’t help obsessing over the beta numbers or the pregnancy tests’ levels of dark purple-ness. I want to be both hopeful and realistic and I massively crave certainty.

Oh My Goodness

Beta #1: 78.6

I can hardly believe this.

Positive home pregnancy tests on Tuesday-Thursday, each darker than the next, confirmed with a blood test today. Doing Beta #2 on Monday.

Oh wow, oh wow. I’m a nervous wreck.

Update on March 16:

Beta #2: 320

Mental state: still an anxious mess.

On Progesterone

(Please note: no two peeps are the same. I’ve reacted differently to different versions of this supplement. So this may not be your experience at all. That said …)

Imagine PMS. Then make it two weeks long and on hyperdrive. All the time.

Then add in extremely vivid, unsettling dreams about adventure, spiders, and lost shoes.

Progesterone supplements are no fun.

Average Anxiety

I always tell myself that I will be peaceful and zen-like during the two week wait. And that somewhat happens. If by peaceful and zen-like, you mean anxious and second-guessing-like.

Honestly, I’ve only have one cycle (#7) when I felt really good and, of course, that one didn’t work. In my six natural cycles, my main concern always has been timing. The first two tries barely counted because we later learned that we missed the window by 3-5 days (due to crummy advice from our first nurse). After some monitoring, we figured out that I get my LH surge like clockwork on Day 17. That’s lovely, but with an IUI on Day 18 and a cycle of 28 days, that only gives my system ten days to get cracking before everything restarts. Rather short. This is fixable with progesterone supplements, but it took us two tries to find one to which my body responded. So all these issues weren’t settled until IUI #7. (Seriously)

You’d think I would be confident with a natural cycle, but darn Clomid apparently throws everything for a loop. So I got a fairly clear “you are about to surge” result on my OPK on Day 14. Normal for most, but not for me. But they told us to forget about “normal” because Clomid likes to hang out in your body for weeks and wreak some handy havoc. So we just had to trust this wee test from CVS.

For extra anxiety: I usually get serious CM during my LH surge day, but I only saw traces. (That said, my nurse saw enough during the actual procedure that she felt the need to point it out.) I then found definite CM the day after the second IUI, which made me crazily wonder whether we’d done the process too early. Of course, the procedure loosens everything up down there (sorry, it does), so you can get random discharge and there is no real way to know what is what.

Anyway, it’s too late to change anything now, but this is just a glimpse into all the nutty “what if/oh no” thinking that goes on while you wait. I want to be cheery and optimistic, but all I can think about are the possible missteps.